Them Awareness

INTRODUCTION

Building a Rocket for a Broken Bike

I once worked at a consulting firm known for building high-end technology solutions. One day, we got a call from a client who was having serious issues with their system. It was like trying to book a flight on a website where every click takes 15 seconds to load. It was slow, frustrating, and completely out of sync with what people actually need.

We hopped on a discovery call to learn more, ready to help. Just minutes in, before the client even finished describing their problems, my colleague (let’s call him Mr. Showman) jumped in.

He was always the first to talk, eager to show off how much he knew. Without asking many questions or listening to the full story, he confidently told the client, “You need to overhaul your entire system and move to this powerful new platform. That’ll solve everything.” It is like telling someone who’s struggling to ride their old bike,

“You know what you need? A rocket ship.”

I remember thinking,

“Really? We haven’t even checked the bike yet. Maybe it just needs air in the tires.” That image stuck with me. We were getting way ahead of ourselves.But the client trusted us, so we pressed on with the grand “rocket” solution. Long story short, we launched a massive systems upgrade: expensive, time-consuming, demanding new infrastructure and team members who practically worked around the clock. Yet the performance issues persisted. It was like someone complaining about a squeaky bike, and we showed up with a rocket that was flashy, expensive, and completely useless for a trip to the corner store. That’s when it hit me: I had witnessed this storyline again and again in tech. Over-engineered products, dazzling solutions that look great on paper but fail spectacularly in practice. Over-Engineering in the Wider World The same pattern emerges in how companies build doomed products. One famous example? Google Glass. On paper, camera-equipped eyewear with Google Maps projected right before

your eyes sounds revolutionary. However, it was so over-engineered that it cost $1500, an exorbitant sum just for going “hands-free.“

Worse, the built-in camera sparked instant backlash. People didn’t want to wear a device thatmade others feel like they were being recorded at all times. Privacy concerns flared up in public spaces, offices, and even casual social settings. It felt invasive, even creepy.

So how did a tech giant like Google miss these obvious red flags? If you rewind to 2010, AR (Augmented Reality) was the next frontier. Google wanted something flashy and futuristic, and in chasing that vision, they overlooked the customer’s real-world expectations.

In the end, Google Glass didn’t fail because the tech wasn’t ready. It failed because the product didn’t align with what people need.

Building the Wrong Rocket Again

I’ ve seen a similar scenario unfold within my own team. On one occasion, I told an engineer, “What does it take to develop a new internal data analytics tool for our client onboarding process?” In my mind, this was merely the starting point, an invitation to do some research on different designs and data points. Instead, he heard, “Go build something.”

He dove headfirst into coding, painstakingly crafting a sophisticated interface filled with intricate logic and dazzling charts. At first glance, it looked brilliant to anyone who equates complexity with success. But here’s the rub: He never asked why we needed the tool, what data we actually had, or how we would use it. As a result, he gave us a shiny report that could not run because the data it required did not exist.That disconnect, the failure to truly understand the people on the other side, is exactly why folks in business say, “Engineers just build what they want, not what we need,” or why clients complain, “They don’t get what we’re asking for.”

Robert N. Charette, an internationally recognized authority on IT and systems risk management, said, “$60 billion to $70 billion is wasted annually in the United States on software projects that are never completed or fail to deliver their intended benefits. ” Based on my conversations with Engineering leaders, it is estimated that for every million dollars spent, $100,000–$200,000 vanishes simply because no one spends enough time understanding what the client truly needs.

The Universal Nature of Misalignment As I coached other tech leaders, a familiar pattern surfaced. Their biggest struggles didn’t arise from lack of technical skill but from failing to grasp what others genuinely wanted. Sometimes they missed subtle cues that could have motivated a direct report. Other times, they misunderstood a boss’s expectations for earning that next promotion. In every instance, the root cause was the same: a profound misalignment with the other person’s perspective. This misalignment isn’t limited to tech. It’s universal. Strategy Implementations: Executives at a large corporation Blueberry decided to implement a new company-wide strategy to unify the brand across all departments. The C-suite is convinced it’s a bold step forward and rallies the top-level directors to commence rollout. Yet they overlooked the perspectives of mid-level managers and frontline employees who must actually execute these changes. Production staff felt burdened by additional reporting, regional sales teams felt sidelined by uniform policies that ignored local markets, and morale started to slip. In the boardroom, leaders scratched their heads, wondering if they hadn’t presented a fantastic plan. Without considering what stakeholders wanted, the grand strategy fizzled because key stakeholders weren’t truly brought on board.

During Performance Review You’re in a performance review, and your manager says, “I want you to take ownership of projects. ” Fired up, you start working late, taking on extra tasks, and doubling your efforts. A year later, you find out a colleague who barely contributed but made sure to fire off emails at 10 PM gets promoted instead. You realize you misread your manager’s words: they valued visibility and strategic thinking over sheer hard work. In ConversationsA senior leader asks, “What’s the status of the project?” Desperate to impress, you rattle off every technical detail, challenge, and nuance. A few minutes into your deep dive, your leader checks their emails or glances at the clock. Later, you learn you’ ve been sidelined in future meetings. You poured your heart into exhaustive explanations, but your leader only wanted a concise summary aligned with their priorities.

In Relationships Picture this:

You: “I want to go to Applebee’s. ”

Partner: “I’d rather go to P.F. Chang’s. ”

You: “I don’t like P.F. Chang’s. Let’s stick with Applebee’s. ”

Partner: “Why does it always have to be your way?”

A simple choice of restaurant escalates into a tense standoff about control and respect. The real issue isn’t about the food; it’s about one partner feeling unheard and disregarded. The Paradox of Effort Misalignment reveals a painful paradox: effort alone doesn’t always lead to success. Whether you’re recommending a full-blown tech overhaul or working overtime in your job, your intentions can backfire if they don’t address the other person’s true needs.

● Misplaced Priorities: You invest energy in tasks you assume are vital, while neglecting what truly matters to your audience or stakeholders. Frustration and Burnout: You keep pouring in effort, only to find it goes unnoticed or unappreciated. Eroded Trust: Misaligned actions create confusion and tension, weakening relationships and making collaboration more difficult down the road. When actions and intentions don’t line up, frustration spreads across the board. The tech team wonders why their hard work is dismissed, the employee is puzzled by the lack of recognition, and the partner feels unheard. “I Hated My Manager for Saying This” When I first started as a developer, I was bursting with ambition. I wanted to prove myself, showing everyone how skilled I was. I coded relentlessly, convinced my projects would revolutionize the business. ●

●Yet, no matter how many products I created, my manager never seemed impressed. I’d present my work, hoping for a pat on the back or at least some enthusiasm. Instead, he’d glance over it, nod politely, and move on. It baffled me. Wasn’t innovation supposed to be valuable? Didn’t the effort deserve recognition? When I finally mustered the courage to ask for a promotion, I listed all my hours, features, and accomplishments. I expected a triumphant nod of approval. Instead, my manager leaned back, folded his arms, and said: “Aditya, it doesn’t matter how much effort you put in. What matters is how your work impacts the business. And it didn’t. That’s why I can’t give you a promotion. ” His words hit like a sledgehammer. I couldn’t believe he disregarded my dedication and sleepless nights. I fumed for a long time.

But years later, I realized I had been so focused on my own goals and self-image that I never stopped to think about who would use my code or how it would benefit them. I see my own engineers making this mistake now. They come to me, frustrated, saying, worked so hard on this!” And I have to echo my manager’s words: “But I “It’s not about how much effort you put in. It’s about how your work impacts others. ” That was the missing piece. The reason for so many mismatches in our careers, relationships, and product failures. I had finally uncovered the main cause behind building rockets nobody asked for: failing to focus on the true needs and experiences of others. The Realization That Changed Everything For a long time, I believed communication meant showcasing how knowledgeable or creative I was. But as I grew, both in my career and in coaching others, I kept returning to the same discovery: we must see the world from their perspective to make a meaningful impact.

● Is your client truly asking for an expensive rocket, or do they just need a faster, better-tuned bike? Does your boss want you to burn the midnight oil, or do they simply want someone who can add value to the business? Is your partner really offended by your dinner choice, or do they just want to feel heard? Each of these questions points to one central truth: you have to consider the other person’s viewpoint if you want to align your actions with their genuine needs. ●

●And that’s when it dawned on me: there was an underlying theme to all these stories, failures, and successes, a principle that, once identified, completely reshaped my approach to communication, leadership, and relationships. Introducing Them Awareness This is that key insight, the “aha” moment called Them Awareness. Where “self-awareness” is all about understanding our own motives, strengths, and weaknesses, Them Awareness is about fully stepping into someone else’s shoes. It’s asking: “What do they want?” “What are they worried about?” “How can we deliver exactly what they need?”

The Power of Them Awareness When you practice Them Awareness:

● You build better products because you’re laser-focused on solving the right problems.

● You lead more effectively because you align every stakeholder around a common goal.

● You communicate with clarity because you’ ve taken the time to understand what your audience truly values.

Over the course of my career, I’ ve tested this approach time and again: onstage at conferences, in boardrooms with execs, and in everyday conversations with my own team. I’ ve seen how a subtle shift from “me” to “them” can propel your influence, your career, and your personal connections to new heights. So, as you turn these pages, remember the powerful lesson behind building rockets no one needs: we must learn to see the world through their eyes. In the chapters ahead, we’ll explore how this simple but life-changing perspective can revolutionize the way you work, lead, and relate to the people around you. You’ll uncover the principles to elevate your communication and leadership.

You’ll learn practical techniques to step into someone else’s perspective, uncover unspoken needs, and respond in ways that build trust and connection. Whether you’re a leader, an aspiring one, or simply someone seeking deeper relationships, this book will show you how to thrive in a connected world. Why I’m Writing This Book After coaching hundreds of leaders and speaking to thousands of technologists, I began to notice a repeating pattern, one that crossed industries, roles, and experience levels. A pattern that kept showing up in conversations, in team dynamics, and in critical moments of leadership.

In 2019, I tried to capture it all in my first book. I wanted to explain what so many of us experience but rarely name. But the ideas felt too big, too tangled. The writing never quite clicked. I tried again. Book number two in 2022, but once again, the message got lost in complexity. It wasn’t until my third attempt, in 2024, that something shifted. I finally found the language and frameworks to make sense of not only the challenges leaders face but the exact blind spots I had wrestled with myself. I found a way to translate complexity into clarity. And that’s when this book was born.

At the heart of it is a single, powerful idea:

the importance of shifting your focus outward of recognizing the perspectives, needs, and realities of those around you. It’s what I’ ve come to call Them Awareness. When I spoke on this concept publicly, it resonated deeply. People saw themselves in it. Leaders realized why their messages weren’t landing. Teams understood why their efforts were falling flat. And individuals across industries recognized how this simple mindset shift could unlock better communication, deeper connection, and stronger results.

That’s what this book is here for: 

● To remind me of these insights and keep them front and center in my own life.

● To offer a go-to reference for my clients as they continue to grow.

● To open this knowledge to anyone who wants to lead with greater impact at work, at home, or anywhere in between.

So if you’re curious how an outward focus can revolutionize the way you lead, influence, and connect, you’re in the right place. Let’s begin the journey together.